Sep. 21, 2015

I like Bernie Sanders. Bread and circuses candidates are always popular; I mean, who doesn’t like free bread and circuses?

Sep. 28

The latest wisdom … Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz will face off in the end or – if a two-man race doesn’t happen – there will be a brokered convention.

I think I’d enjoy a brokered convention. Watching the Republican Party split apart like a fat guy’s pants at Golden Corral might be fun.

Oct. 31

Church burn is like freezer burn. The brains of church burn victims are so brain-scrubbed with a wire brush of moral imperatives that they can’t handle the fact that nuns masturbate. Most of ‘em can’t handle the fact that nuns menstruate.

Dec. 27

I thought this was going to be a republican year – it’s their turn – but there has to be somebody to vote for. Donald Trump and Ted Cruz aren’t electable unless the country loses its collective mind, and Marco Rubio will be exposed as a political fraud if the public ever gets to know him.

Dec. 28

Can we put training wheels on the White House?

Jan. 22

The only way Bernie Sanders can win the democratic nomination is to win decisively. He’s a liberal, but he isn’t a democrat. They ain’t giving the Democratic Party bus keys to an independent without a fight.

Jan. 29

Al Gore is about as charismatic as a hall monitor, But he’s more charismatic than Hillary Clinton.

Jan. 31

Donald Trump is one of those guys, like Charles Barkley, who isn’t censored by the media. He can say whatever he wants to say, because he has established that he will.

Feb. 1

Iowans listen to speakers who appeal to their senses of reason, decency and self-interest, right before they vote. This is not an ideal system for a guy like Trump, who needs people to vote with their spleens.

Feb. 2

Ben Carson may look like Morgan Freeman’s little brother, but he sounds like Tracy Morgan’s drunk uncle.

Feb. 4

Bernie Sanders is like a ballpark vendor; his dogs are 80 percent pork and 20 percent libertarians.

Feb. 18

Chicken and waffles is the greatest invention of my lifetime.

Feb. 28

The Great Republican Temper Tantrum, now in its eighth year, turned the conservative voting base so blindly angry that they need an angry candidate to get it up. As a result, we’re stuck with Daffy Duck Rubio, Yosemite Sam Cruz, and the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man.

If these are all the choices we get, we need a special rule: don’t give the winner the launch codes. Give him the number to a pizza place, and when it rings the pizza guy can run over to the White House and smother him with a pillow. You’re welcome.

Feb. 29

Tea Party ideology is a substance so hard it can cut diamonds.

March 2

If Chris Christie was part of the Manson Family, he would be more Leslie Van Houten than Susan Adkins. He doesn’t want to kill us; he just wants to watch.

March 7

A reality show celebrity is squared off against a couple of overbearing, first-generation Hispanics in the republican primary?

March 8

Donald Trump has married two immigrants, and he is threatening to build a fence to keep the rest of ’em out. You can take it from there.

March 9

I don’t know if Trump is a racist, but he is attracting racist flies like David Duke’s septic tank.

March 26

Is this election going to be remembered as the old white guy battle of the bulge? There is a huge block of angry old white men who would rather be boiled in oil than vote for Hillary Clinton. By 2020, a bunch of them are going to be dead or slurping jello through the holes in their sheets.

March 31

Paul Ryan and Mitt Romney both need to be ranked ahead of John Kasich as potential Ted Cruz alternatives. Kasich is down the list a ways, between the dead guy who won Missouri a couple of elections ago and the guy who empties the convention garbage cans.

April 1

There is no way in hell we will see Marco Rubio as the vice presidential candidate on any ticket; he is toxic to the ballot. He was handed the keys to the party a month ago, and he sunk in the polls like he was wearing lead underwear.

April 6

The establishment wing of the Republican Party has left the building. Foghorn Leghorn is sitting this one out.

April 20

Trump is going to pivot? Listen to reason? Calm down?

Donald Trump does not pivot. He does not do anything measured, or balanced, or polished, or prepped. He is going to keep bullying, selling and insulting until he gets what he wants.

There will be no brokered deals between Donald Trump the Republican Party. They do not like each other. The only deal Trump will sign is for the White House, which he’ll immediately sell to Shelton Adelson so he can make a bid on the Taj Mahal.

May 3

The canary dropped dead on Ted Cruz when Paul Ryan gave his “leave me out of this” speech. Ryan was the last hope for the GOP’s establishment wing, the anchorman pulling on the #Nevertrump rope. When Ryan announced he wanted nothing to do with the party’s nomination, he left the establishment hopefuls staring straight down the barrel at Ted Cruz.

Medusa wishes she could inspire the recoil that caused.

June 8

Trump thinks the world is too politically correct; this is his excuse for the racist rumblings from the alt+right. Broccoli is kind of boring. Should we feed our kids whiskey for lunch?

June 11

Disillusionment may be color-blind, but Trump’s supporters are not.

June 27

The operative word in “Radical Islam” isn’t Islam, it’s radical. Radical Christianity is the exact same thing, just with different colored sheets.

June 29

The alt+right is an easy target these days, with all the racist garbage spewing out of Breitbart, but the left is no better if it fights hate with hate.

July 5

I’m sure Trump has figured out lots of ways to say “Hillary is a poopy head” – and we are about to hear them all.

July 14

Ten bucks says the GOP will be publicly backing Trump by the end of the month. What choice do they have?

July 17

One lie can get you in trouble – ask Hillary Clinton about her emails, or Bill Clinton about his affairs – but a constant stream of lies becomes impossible to keep up with. It’s the difference between having bad breath and holding court in the sewer. You eventually lose your sense of smell. Lies and truth become the same thing. Welcome to Trump Tower.

July 18

When one side is mediocre but the other side is a dumpster fire, mediocre starts looking pretty good.

July 20

Is there such a thing as a terror-a-phobe? It’s reasonable to look both ways before crossing a street, sure – but it isn’t reasonable to outlaw busses the first time someone forgets.

July 27

Explaining nuance to a Trump voter is like painting Helen Keller’s house. She won’t see the color, she’ll just smell the new paint and know something happened that smells funny.

July 28

Donald Trump occasionally says something true and I feel a little empty inside, like I watched the Daytona 500 and nobody crashed.

Aug. 9

Donald Trump has said more nice things about Vladimir Putin this week than he’s said about his own country in a year.

Oct. 9

My favorite moment during the debate was when Trump said “I’m a gentleman” and the audience burst out laughing.

Oct. 20

The establishment wing of the GOP is going to spend the next four years explaining to the left why they put party over country, and explaining to the right why they put country over party.

Oct. 21

I don’t think the GOP has to denounce the alt+right in some big mea culpa, necessarily, but they need to stop being the alt+right’s bitch.

Oct. 23

The gullible masses don’t understand their own needs well enough to vote for them.

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